Was he only worth two tears?

[DragonMasterX]

Not a rant in particular, I won't be cursing anybody or anything; just describe something considerably disturbing to myself which I think I want to share with you guys.

So, two days ago on Thursday morning, whilst trying to sleep, I was listening to my dad and his friend talk in the kitchen, it's not so far from my room so it's only natural I was awake from their conversation. Seconds later mom came to my room slightly shaken up. My official wake up message: "Wake up, we're going to Bragado, your grandad died."

I remember myself jumping on my bed and forgetting about my planned day, later yelling a loud, "WHAT?!" before I could regain composture and read my mom's last words in my head. I knew he was in a pretty bad condition from all surgeries, but I never expected he'd die so soon. To me, as he was the oldest carrying the family's name, he was the biggest of all the males in my dad's side of the family. I was literally immobile while thinking all this, I even remembered when we had gone to visit him two years ago, before ending the visit, I smiled and told him: "It's gonna take a lot more than lung cancer to take one of us down." and I remember myself saying so with certain pride, self-confidence, like looking onto my grandfather and knowing it was the very truth.

However, he died, it was painful to everybody: His wife, my dad, his brothers and sisters, and their respective families, my sister; and only two in the family seemingly didn't go through that horrendous pain: Gramps and I.

The funeral. My first funeral ever, I had never seen so many sad people, I had never seen my family so sad, I had never seen a coffin. I had never seen a dead, immobile person, a corpse. And there was I, contemplating all that as my first time, and there he was, lying on the coffin, only his white skinned face visible and his mouth slightly opened showing his teeth. He seemed peaceful, he looked like he had fulfilled something, something I did not understand. It was long before I stopped watching and noticed my sister had broken into tears along with my dad. I watched them and couldn't help feeling bad, the tears wouldn't come out, I couldn't join them.

I decided to leave pops with his dad, I wasn't exactly in a good mood so after mom and I decided to go out for air, I spotted one of my uncles in a separate room. I went to him with mom and we sat besides him. He had done his good cry already, I could notice so by just staring at his face, his look as if he had seen a ghost, in this case he had only watched, and kept staring at his own father's dead body. While I was watching him, it was then I started thinking how dad was feeling, how it would be if the same were to happen to him. I saw gramps' wife, she was emotionaly destroyed and couldn't stop crying. I just started wishing mentally while my uncle called to see if my aunt would arrive soon (she had been sent a taxi to pick her up at the capital) and started one of my very few pleas. I just wished for dad to have his pain eased, and my gramps' travel to wherever he was going to be safe and be kept in peace and happiness; I'm not any good pilgrim and I barely assist church, but if my gramps did have a soul I really hope its resting well. And after wishing so, it hit me, I couldn't breathe normally, my heart started pounding and my eyes started hurting since I wasn't blinking, I had become sad at last. I don't have lots of memories spent with my gramps, but I know he was important to many, I just couldn't think of him as the person who greeted me when I went to his house to eat pasta, even though I didn't deserve to love him like others did, I didn't want to think him as nothing or just somebody else. Only two tears flowed out of my eyes, one from each, first the left, then right.

I didn't open my mouth, I just cleaned my face and told them I'd be waiting outside with a very low murmur I knew they had understood. I saw dad outside, he was smoking, and talking with another one of my uncles. I waited next to him and just patted him on the shoulder when he looked at me.

A couple hours later waiting, the local priest came to bless gramps' soul. Everyone was even sadder, and again I couldn't even shed a tear to accompany them. I only went to dad, who later asked me to help all them to carry the coffin after they had sealed it.
The time came, and all my uncles, my aunt and I (For some reason nobody from my family wanted to approach the coffin) lifted the coffin and carried it to the carrier car.

I went to my cousin's car after telling dad to go with his brothers to follow the carrier since he didn't want to board the care before everybody was set. We eventually got to the cementery and I witnessed my first burial. Sadness crowded the place, I just couldn't help seeing my dad so sad I wanted to comfort him... but I couldn't, I couldn't even share his pain. The dusk came just as we finished and everybody got to their respective places, minus dad, brothers/sister and gramps' wife, they all stayed at her place to consolate her whilst I went to my grandmother's house, I wasn't exactly cheerful but the day... just passed like any other day. And everything went to normal... except for dad, I can't sense him like before, he looks really empty even though he doesn't show it openly and it doesn't make me exactly happy. I'm just afraid to try to cheer him up, I don't know how to manage words, I'm afraid I'll say something stupid to him and just make it worse.

I really don't know what's up with me, I don't know why I couldn't share the pain everybody was feeling or why I couldn't even understand anything. But I know one thing for sure... even though gramps is gone, he was a very important person to many, and just because he died won't change that. It's the only thing that made me not feel totally angry at myself.

I'm done... I felt I had to type this up, I'm not ranting since I don't feel angry or pissed or bothered by it anymore, but something told me I had to share my experience with you guys.