My latest Lemon

[Chibi Biyomon]

Well guys here's a Lemon i was glad to do ^_^ enjoy

Hey fans Chibi Biyo here with a new lemon that

[MISTER BIG T]

SWEEEEET! 8)

[UnknownH]

no offense but man who gave davis the crazy pills
(seemed a little 1 sided and davis seemed really dub like)

[BGAGTGAB]

... this is bad.

Just incredibly bad.

You bash Davis and Veemon constantly, up to having Angemon kill Exveemon and Takeru beating Davis up... not to mention how ridiculously out of character Davis and Veemon are.

The bashing is so relentless and obsessive that the story just isn't a lemon - it's a revenge fantasy with occasional spots of lemon here and there. In addition, the lemon scenes are rushed and unnatural.

In addition, everybody hates Davis - even Ken. You know... his jogress partner? The one that Davis/Daisuke gave a chance, when nobody else would? That Ken. He hates him... why?

That is not Davis - not even the dub Davis. He brags about getting a date with Kari yet cheats on her and calls her a whore behind her back. He abuses Kari so much she has to go to the hospital. That is also not Veemon. He threatens Patamon and Gatomon's "unborn children". (interesting phrase there)

This story is so incompetently written that I could not even make it through more than a handful of paragraphs. I couldn't even skim it.

In short, this is not a lemon - this is a revenge fantasy/wish fulfillment with a few (frankly) badly written "erotic" scenes.

I suggest a rewrite... WITHOUT the bashing.

[Hikari Yagami Kamiya]

Um BGAGTGAB if you are done flaming the lemon then shut yer damn trap

I thought it was a great lemon ^_^

we need more Takari and Patagato lemons that bash Davis and Veemon like this

[BGAGTGAB]

Um BGAGTGAB if you are done flaming the lemon then shut yer damn trap

I thought it was a great lemon ^_^

we need more Takari and Patagato lemons that bash Davis and Veemon like this

I wasn't going to respond to this... but then, I thought of something I wanted to ask you.

Does that then mean we need more Daikari and Veegato fics that bash TK and Patamon?

I roll my eyes at all bashing regardless of character.

[Chibi Renamon]

Ahu.

Okay, that was serious OOC bashing. I'm with BGAGTGAB here, that lemon would have been more believable if it hadn't pictured Davis as the Anti-Christ. I'm not sure, maybe this is good reading material for die-hard Takari fans. But I think the normal readers will frown at the extreme way Davis is presented here.

On the technical side:

He says with a smile as Gatomon smiles too as Patamon inserts his erect member into Gatomon’s mouth , Gatomon smiles as she starts to suck on it and lick it as Patamon can feel his erection get bigger as Gatomon continues to lick and suck on it as Patamon closes his eyes moaning from being pleasured as he starts to fondle Gatomon’s pussy as he starts to lick it and fondle it causing Gatomon to moan as well as Patamon smirks licking faster causing Gatomon to moan louder as her precum starts to leak out of her pussy as she sucks Patamon’s cock faster as Patamon squirts a little cum out in Gatomon’s mouth, Gatomon licks her lips as she swallows the cum as she sucks on Pata’s cock harder as she moans from Patamon licking her pussy , Patamon soon gets a idea as he changes positions with Gatomon so now his rock hard erection is in Gatomon’s soft pussy as he starts to ram her in a slow pace at first but he picks up speed as he continues ramming Gatomon faster and faster as he can feel his cum building up , Gatomon moans loudly then lets a scream in pain out as her hymen is impaled by Patamon’s errection

This is... ONE sentence.

The lack of punctuation gives people a hard time reading it and that leads to a faster reading pace so the lemon scene flies by in a single rush and you can't really make a pause to breathe and somehow it's hard to make sense out of all the actions and the timing is also tough and then you- *WHEEZE* *collapses*

See what I mean? Try finishing a sentence once in a while. Your lemon scene begins rather suddenly, and when people reach the orgasm line, they might ask themselves "What the heck has just happened?". You combine sentences with the word "as" a lot. That word usually implies that something is happening at the same time. For example:

"Sure thing" Miyako said as she turned to face Daisuke.

In your one-sentence-lemon-scene, a whole shitload of stuff seems to happen at once:

Gatomon smiles as she starts to suck on it and lick it as Patamon can feel his erection get bigger as Gatomon continues to lick and suck on it as Patamon closes his eyes moaning from being pleasured as he starts to fondle Gatomon’s pussy as he starts to lick it and fondle it

- Gatomon smiles
- Gatomon starts to suck
- Patamon can feel his erection growing
- Gatomon CONTINUES to suck
- Patamon closes his eyes and moans
- Patamon touches Gatomon's pussy
ALL AT ONCE?

Summing it up, I suggest that you take some more time with the lemon scenes. Keep an eye on what happens at the same time and what happens after something else is completed. Structure your sentences accordingly.
Focusing on the theme: I have no problem with Veegato, Patagato, Takari or Daikari. I do have problems with senseless and exaggerated bashing.

Anybody who cheers for more bashing fics should be aware that there are also authors here who dislike Patamon and TK. So be careful; bashing works in both directions. Just cut it out, we can easily live without more bashing fics and potential flames. Just two Euro-Cents from an author who happens to like Davis a little bit. -_-

[urban dream]

We don't have cents in Switzerland so I'll just add my two Rappen, or centimes (same thing) instead.

I wasn't going to post in this topic originally because I don't like all this couple/chara/whatever-bashing nonsense. I was just going to ignore it, because that seems to me the best thing to do. But this getting on my nerves so much I'm going to anyway.

we need more Takari and Patagato lemons that bash Davis and Veemon like this

*takes deep breath*
Now, who was it that started the "Why do Veegato fans and Patagato fans always fight" topic? Perhaps my memory fails me here, and if that is the case I apologize in advance, but I believe it was you, Hikari. So how come you're starting to bash people now? Nothing personal, but don't you think it's childish? What good does it do?
And secondly, who do you mean by "we"? Everyone on the board? I don't think so. Or maybe you just mean certain overenthusiastic Takari fans (you know who you are, and so does everyone else on the board)?
Thirdly, *why* do "we" need more lemons that bash Davis and Veemon? Is it going to go any good? Is it going to make a lot of people really really happy, or bring more viewers/readers/visitors/whatever to the DaD?
Umm... Nah. Prob'ly not. So WHY THE HELL DO WE NEED MORE BASHING LEMONS? I just don't get it. I suspect it's nonsense. >_<

And while I'm at it: The following doesn't go to any one person in particular, but to all people who write or support bashing fics. Please stop. I'm not trying to be bossy here, I'm just asking very nicely. Pretty please with sugar on top, stop, because it's obviously getting on several people's nerves, and it's not doing the board ANY good whatsoever. If you have an urge to write bashing fics, fine, that's none of my business, but why do you have to post them here, thereby insulting and annoying all Daikari fans? Why don't you just found your own bashing website, or send your works to the people who you know to be interested by e-mail? Or why don't you post them to that Takari board, whatever its URL is? If you post that kind of stuff here, it's going to result in flamewars and shit like that. This thread is the perfect example. I suppose me posting this isn't going to help much there, but I just have to get this off my chest.

Does that then mean we need more Daikari and Veegato fics that bash TK and Patamon?

Anybody who cheers for more bashing fics should be aware that there are also authors here who dislike Patamon and TK. So be careful; bashing works in both directions.

*applauds* How true, how true. Don't get me wrong, I don't really want Takari bashing fics now, in fact I can live without *any* sort of bashing. I'm just applauding because I think that's a very good point. It's very true.

[Darkmole]

I agree it could do with out all the bashing but other DAMN GREAT STUFF!!! Great lemon!

[MISTER BIG T]

I'm able to write just about anything, from WereGarumon anally raping Kari to Ken raping uncouncious Gatomon. (All in one lemon, actually)

- Gatomon smiles
- Gatomon starts to suck
- Patamon can feel his erection growing
- Gatomon CONTINUES to suck
- Patamon closes his eyes and moans
- Patamon touches Gatomon's pussy
ALL AT ONCE?

If it would be my lemon, all would be explained by just saying PLOT DEVICE, but since it isn't, let us just say it's ARTISTS VIEW.

*applauds* How true, how true. Don't get me wrong, I don't really want Takari bashing fics now, in fact I can live without *any* sort of bashing. I'm just applauding because I think that's a very good point. It's very true.

In words of Kurt Angle: It's true, it's damn true!

But people, let's be more kind on her. If my math does not fail me, this is only her SECOND lemon (Both are thiskind of stuff though, wich makes me feel kinda uneasy about if she will ever write about anything else than TK and Kari and Patamon and Gatomon) so we shouldn't go around demanding supreme work. For her level, that's awesome work and if she trains a little, she is gonna be a great lemon author.