04-25-2011, 04:18 AM
Though not what I'm into, it was decently more descriptive. Could still use details--especially for a murder scene such as that. Also, you may want to take a look at your dialogue and speech indicators. You were stuck on the same indicator (i.e. query) for an entire scene, which made it feel like it wasn't moving. (it's usually bad when people read the same thing unless you're trying to invoke memories)
Really though, you mostly just need to work on the dialogue itself and your descriptions.
Really though, you mostly just need to work on the dialogue itself and your descriptions.